Just saw a male enhancement ad in my spam filter—honest, that’s where I found it—and it suggested you could be hard enough to crack an egg.

Really? An egg? Are they building Kevlar eggs now?

I can’t get a dozen eggs home from the grocery store without cracking at least one. And with the exception of one trip from the grocery store, none of those incidents involved my penis (don’t ask).

Isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for those thinking of having (more) kids, either.

I just picture a penis so hard that the sperm ejaculates at supersonic speed, literally obliterating any unsuspecting ovum it might meet just north of the cervix.

Seriously, you could hurt somebody with that thing.

Remove your tonsils and cauterize the wound at the same time.

And then there’s the controversy over the long-gun registry. Hair triggers. The founding of the National Penis Association with Long Dong Silver as its spokesgenital.

I think I’ll take a pass thanks. For everyone’s safety.

 (No actual eggs were harmed in the telling of this story.)