Tag Archives: joke

Creative trash talkin’

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Canadians by and large are not particularly well known for their trash talking, even in sports. We’re more a smile to your face and mutter under our breath kinda people.

But I am no ordinary Canadian, and when it comes to my beloved Toronto Marlies, I won’t just defend my team, I’m happy to pick the fight. And it particularly nice when I can take a shot at my fellow Canadians.

John

Sometimes they kinda write themselves

Moose_AT-AT

With Star Wars night coming up, how could I resist drawing parallels between Hoth and Winterpeg?

NEWS FLASH: Spill on Mars

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Mars

Within moments of announcing the discovery of flowing water on the surface of Mars, NASA officials were back at the podium with an additional announcement.

“We have to admit that we were completely caught off guard by this, but it seems that an oil tanker has run aground in one of the Martian streams and is spilling massive quantities of oil into the aquifer,” announced the saddened official. “Upon identifying the owner of the vessel, we will be working with their containment specialists to try to limit the environmental damage.”

“There is no indication that any native species are in immediate danger from contamination,” he pressed. “Although we are saddened to report that signal transmission from the NASA rover ceased shortly after the grounding was initially reported.”

NASA released the last image that the rover transmitted back to Earth.

"Had no idea oil companies were working in the area." - NASA official

“Had no idea oil companies were working in the area.” – NASA official

From tampons to toilet paper

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Taxi pads

As of July 1st – Canada Day – women in Canada will no longer be required to pay sales tax when purchasing feminine hygiene products such as tampons and pads. The change comes after many months of Canadians decrying the tax as gender discriminatory, as solely a tax on women (see House of Commons debate).

Having wracked my brain, I was unable to determine an equivalent male-exclusive product and so broadened my thinking to identify products that might be absolute necessities. There are no taxes on groceries, for example – family-size purchases, that is; “junk food” and “individual” purchases are taxed.

And then it struck me: toilet paper.

So yesterday, I launched a faux campaign to remove the taxes from toilet paper, and welcome you all to join what I am calling the #BowelMovement.

Tweet

Feel free to * ahem * pass this along.

TP tax

Peter Pan arrested for murder

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Prison pan

NEVERLAND – News is filtering in that famed fly-boy Peter Pan has been arrested by the Neverland Police Department. While details are sketchy, inside sources say the green-tightsed man-child was charged with the stabbing death of Captain Hook’s right-hand man.

This is the second such set of charges laid on the former leader of the Lost Boys, who was questioned in the death of maniacal monodexter Captain James Hook. When the local District Attorney was attacked by a dust mote and unexpectedly turned into a sea slug, the original charge of manslaughter was dropped.

Sources suggest the sword-wielding pixie possessor was distraught over rumours that his life-long girlfriend Wendy Darling was seeing another man. Upon confronting her with his suspicions, she reportedly denied the allegations but did admit she was interested in terminating their relationship.

Still emotionally connected, however, she tried to let her green-eyed felt-clad paramour down gently, suggesting her desire was in no way related to his prior behaviour.

While we cannot yet confirm the content of their conversation, we believe the confusion began shortly after she started to explain herself with:

“Oh, Peter, it’s not you.”

(think about it for a second)

(still not getting it?)

(oh, all right then)

“It’s me.”

smee sword

A week of brain farts

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As you may have guessed, I really don’t filter things that come into my head.

With that in mind (see what I mean), I present some of the stupidities that I have spent time on over the last week or so.

Response to closing of Meerkat app

Response to closing of Meerkat app

Response to oddest selfie device ever

Response to oddest selfie device ever

What if Best Buy changes mind about closing of Cdn electronics chain Future Shop?

What if Best Buy changes mind about closing of Cdn electronics chain Future Shop?

Cheap shot at Cdn long-gun registry debate and weddings in general

Cheap shot at Cdn long-gun registry debate and weddings in general

Live, from Judea…

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Lorne C

This just in….

Given the success of Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary special, NBC and Lorne Michaels are in talks to produce another reunion extravaganza.

Live, from Judea, it’s the Passion of the Christ 2015th Anniversary Special! #PotC2015

Dinner

That’s right! They’re reassembling the old Not Ready For Christianity dinner theatre gang to remember the Summer of Love, when everyone was into whips and getting stoned.

No word yet on whether J.C. will attend, given his long-standing dispute with some of the former cast members and despite his ability to forgive everyone else.

It is hoped that He and Judas will set aside their differences and reunite for one last performance of their big musical number “Soul Man”.

Soul man

Note: After their acrimonious split, J.C. launched a solo career for which he was crucified so badly that he joined the underground scene.

While heaven knows what the scheduling plans are, it is expected that NBC will slot the special right behind the new television hit Better Call Saul of Tarsus.

Details to come.

 

UPDATE: NBC just announced that the special’s guest host will be Mel Gibson.

National Hockey League to address shoot-out debacle

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Florida Panthers centre Nick Bjugstad celebrates after scoring the game-winning goal (Alan Diaz/AP)

Florida Panthers centre Nick Bjugstad celebrates after scoring the game-winning goal (Alan Diaz/AP)

New York–The National Hockey League governors have initiated emergency talks in wake of last night’s game between the Florida Panthers and the Washington Capitals that took an unprecedented 20 shootout rounds to be settled.

“This is completely unacceptable,” said one league official who refused to be named. “Had this happened on a Saturday night, we might have been able to simply shrug off the length of this contest, but it happened on a Tuesday night, when fans need to work the next morning. To have a game go this late into the evening just won’t work for today’s fans.”

Thus, the governors are meeting to discuss ways to further hasten the end of regular season games and reduce the likelihood of such events happening again.

While an official list of possible tactics has not been released, sources close to the central office of the NHL suggest the following are being considered for games that fail to resolve after 5 shootout rounds:

  • Removing the goaltenders and turning the net toward the boards.
  • Strapping the goaltender’s hands and feet to the posts to prevent potential blocking motions.
  • Allowing two shooters to skate on the goaltender at the same time.
  • Resolving the tie on the basis of overall shots on goal, followed by fewest penalty minutes.
  • Awarding the win on the basis of whose fans cheer loudest.
  • Awarding both teams 1.5 points and going home.

The NHL has not set a timeline for resolution of this problem, but they hope to have a solution in place and activated before the 2015 NHL All-Star Weekend, which takes place January 24-25 in Columbus, Ohio.

For more on the game between the Florida Panthers and the Washington Capitals, please see:

NHL record for shootouts set as Panthers outlast Capitals after 20 rounds (!)