Tag Archives: humor

Lost & Profound

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Every once in a while, I like to pretend I am drunk and come up with something profound. These are some examples:

If you want to change the world, you’ll need a lot of diapers!

I don’t live in the past, but I do have a vacation home there

When all is said and done…why don’t people shut up?!

NEVER SURRENDER! Unless the other guy has a gun and bullets…I mean, geesh, you can always start over later

She wore a slinky dress, and proceeded to fall head-over-heels down the stairs

Do you think the first use of the word “typo” was someone incorrectly keying the word “type”?

Never be pedantic…and by pedantic, I mean, being annoying to people by giving too much attention to minor details or by correcting unim…

That which does not kill you, only makes you paranoid that there might be a second one

Insanity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

If you can’t tell a book by its cover, why’d you put the bloody title there?

Do words ever fail a mute?

I’ve never been a fan of using grate-protected high-speed rotary blades to generate unidirectional currents of air

I find echoes repeat on me

(Image is property of owner and is used without permission until I am profound out)

It’s official as of yesterday at 1:44 pm

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In the shadow of my approaching 50th birthday, at 1:44 pm EST on Saturday, November 16, 2013, I officially became old.

Worse than the first time I was called “Sir” or visited my old graduate department to find it populated with children, I was verbally punched in the gonads when a young man (early 20s?) offered me his seat on the westbound subway near Coxwell Street station.

Adding insult to injury, the subway was not busy—there were other seats available—and I was only carrying a notebook while he was burdened with a large knapsack, a cardboard box and a binder.

I graciously thanked him for his offer while refusing it and then proceeded to die a little bit inside.

Now, if he’d offered me a senior’s discount at the liquor store, well…

Adages and Subtractages

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Live your life like there’s no tomorrow…because one day, you’ll be right! (not mine)

Never put off until…

The meaning of Life is only unfathomable to those without a dictionary.

Philosophy is the art of sounding profound while saying things of no practical significance…much like Consulting.

If genius is 99% perspiration and 1% inspiration, have antiperspirants made us idiots?

The quality of mercy is not strained, because it knows to bend at the knees.

Love is like a red, red rose… to get to the good stuff, you have to go through a lot of pricks.

The majority of people outnumber everyone else.

Dentists live hand-to-mouth.

Asking a mute for sound reasoning is like asking the blind to see your point.

Concerns about political correctness never seem to focus on the “correctness” part.

When I want an objective opinion, I’ll talk to my microscope.

Cross-border puppetry – Puppet Up!

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As many of you well know, I am interested in puppetry and am currently working as a writer on a sketch comedy television show in development called SomeTV! that involves both human (fleshies) and puppet actors (felties). More on this later.

In the meantime, I am also striving to get an irreverent show called Puppet Up! to come to Canada (more specifically Toronto) and perform. A product of Henson Alternative, these people have taken the inside humour of the Muppet Show and ratcheted it up a thousand-fold.

I’ll let them describe the show:

What happens when Henson puppeteers are unleashed? You get a new breed of intelligent nonsense that is “Puppet Up: Uncensored” – a live, outrageous, comedy, variety show for adults only. Enjoy an unpredictable evening when six talented, hilarious, expert puppeteers will improvise songs and sketches based on your suggestions! With a motley group of characters brought to life by the world renowned puppeteers of The Jim Henson Company, this is not your average night at the improv and it is definitely not for children. But all others are welcome to enjoy the uninhibited anarchy of live puppet performance as never seen before!

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Strangely, it seems the show is bashful and so I am asking for everyone’s help to encourage them to come to Toronto with a social media campaign entitled: Bring Puppet Up to Toronto. (How’s that for imaginative!?)

I’ve set up a Facebook page that I ask you to “Like” and “Share” with your friends, colleagues, and that guy you met once who glommed onto your page when you weren’t looking.

As well, please visit the Puppet Up! Facebook page and let them know they should visit Toronto…even if you don’t live here.

And if you follow me on Twitter, please retweet and favourite the relevant posts…most of the other posts are completely irrelevant.

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As Animal is my witness, I will wear them down and they will either have to come to Toronto or file an injunction!

And even if you don’t do any of these things (I feel tears coming on), then at least enjoy these YouTube videos…they are very funny and you should get something for having read this far.

Thanks.

12 Awkward Days of Christmas – Miskreant Puppets

Puppet Up! Hit the Streets of Edinburgh

Neil Patrick Harris and Nathan Filion in Doctor’s Office – Neil’s Puppet Dreams

Where do babies come from – Puppet Up!