Think I was just called a Scrooge!
Tag Archives: joke
Breakdown
(Images are property of owners and used here without permission, because of a communications breakdown)
Go with God
(Image is property of owner and is used here without permission, God help me)
Spider veins?
(Images are property and are used here without permission or a doctor’s note)
Lost & Profound
Every once in a while, I like to pretend I am drunk and come up with something profound. These are some examples:
If you want to change the world, you’ll need a lot of diapers!
I don’t live in the past, but I do have a vacation home there
When all is said and done…why don’t people shut up?!
NEVER SURRENDER! Unless the other guy has a gun and bullets…I mean, geesh, you can always start over later
She wore a slinky dress, and proceeded to fall head-over-heels down the stairs
Do you think the first use of the word “typo” was someone incorrectly keying the word “type”?
Never be pedantic…and by pedantic, I mean, being annoying to people by giving too much attention to minor details or by correcting unim…
That which does not kill you, only makes you paranoid that there might be a second one
Insanity isn’t all it’s cracked up to be
If you can’t tell a book by its cover, why’d you put the bloody title there?
Do words ever fail a mute?
I’ve never been a fan of using grate-protected high-speed rotary blades to generate unidirectional currents of air
I find echoes repeat on me
(Image is property of owner and is used without permission until I am profound out)
Happy Thanksgiving, America
Still waiting for the conversation that begins:
Native American slowly walks up to POTUS and kind of shuffles his feet, looking everywhere but at POTUS.
POTUS: Hey sweetie, whassup?
NA: Hey Anglo. You know I think the world of you, right?
POTUS: Oh, oh.
NA: I was sooo excited when I invited you to move in.
POTUS: You made me so happy that day.
NA: Yeah, we were going to do so much stuff together. Discover the world. Make new friends. Redecorate the place. It was going to be great.
POTUS: Was?
NA: Yeah. *pause* Look, you’re a great people and all that…
POTUS: Spit it out.
NA: It just hasn’t worked out like I thought it would.
POTUS: What’re you talking about? We’re having the time of our lives!
NA: YOU! You’re having the time of YOUR life. You shut me out of everything.
POTUS: Sweetie. *attempts hug*
NA: Don’t touch me! This is hard for me to say, but it’s… it’s over between us.
POTUS: This is because of that football team in Washington, isn’t it?
NA: Don’t try to trivialize this!
POTUS: So, you just want me to move back in with my mother?
NA: I don’t care where you move. I just want my place back.
POTUS: Come on. Look at me. We can work this out.
NA: Fine! I didn’t want to tell you this. But I’ve… started to see the Chinese.
POTUS: What? *laughs*
NA: What’s so damned funny?
POTUS: I started seeing the Chinese, too!
NA: *laughs* Oh, my Earth Mother! Are we a pair or what?
They hug and when POTUS is at work the next day, NA throws his stuff onto the front lawn (in Canada).
(Image is property of owner and is used without permission, so deport me!)
In a mesa trouble
I can’t see!
My important thoughts on narcissism
Ancient Greek algae specialist Narcissus
Makes complete sense when I engage in it, but it eludes me why anyone else would.
Narcissism is so perfect that even the Americans and British agree on its spelling.
Back in the day, a “selfie” was a form of masturbation. Today, it is a…hunh…how ironic.
Interestingly, the actual mythical figure of Narcissus never seemed to complain that the vision he loved was of the opposite hand to him.
How obvious for Narcissus to name narcissism after himself.
The original title of The Chronicles of Narnia was The Chronicles of Narcissus, but had to be changed when the children could never get beyond admiring their wardrobe.
Contrary to popular belief, narcissism is not a sign of personal insecurity…at least, it isn’t in me.
An alternative version of the myth of Narcissus involves an identical twin brother who drowned. Turns out Narcissus was a bit of a prick, but an imaginative one when it came to the inquest.
(Image is property of Caravaggio, but he wasn’t answering when I called to see if it was okay to use the image.)
Male enhancement?
Just saw a male enhancement ad in my spam filter—honest, that’s where I found it—and it suggested you could be hard enough to crack an egg.
Really? An egg? Are they building Kevlar eggs now?
I can’t get a dozen eggs home from the grocery store without cracking at least one. And with the exception of one trip from the grocery store, none of those incidents involved my penis (don’t ask).
Isn’t exactly a ringing endorsement for those thinking of having (more) kids, either.
I just picture a penis so hard that the sperm ejaculates at supersonic speed, literally obliterating any unsuspecting ovum it might meet just north of the cervix.
Seriously, you could hurt somebody with that thing.
Remove your tonsils and cauterize the wound at the same time.
And then there’s the controversy over the long-gun registry. Hair triggers. The founding of the National Penis Association with Long Dong Silver as its spokesgenital.
I think I’ll take a pass thanks. For everyone’s safety.
(No actual eggs were harmed in the telling of this story.)
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